Ridiculous Things I Say That Make Alice Laugh

At some point we get in an argument over what sound a sheep makes. She claims it is a low and steady "Baaa" sound. I reply at first that it is a "Ba" with a stuttering 'a'.
"Ba-a-a-a"
An argument ensues. Later this evolves into a "ma-a-a-a" sound. She contests this inconsistency. I respond:
"Well it depends if you're referring to the International Council of Sheep standards, or the American Sheep Association. . ."
Being eyed with skepticism, I continue, "The I.C.S. insists on the 'B' sound, but the Association leaves the leading consonant undefined . . . . Just make sure to pay attention to who the regulating union is in your part of the country. If you are unfortunate enough to make the wrong pronunciation in the wrong area you're liable to have wool thrown at you . . . they might even force you to wear and uncomfortable sweater. . . "


We're walking past the new 14 story research building, being constructed at Southwestern.
Me: "I'm always really intrigued by construction. Maybe I should have gone into that."
Alice looks unconvinced.
"Maybe we should do that instead, today. I could be really good at it. I could just look around and say, 'Ok, we've got some bricks, so . . you guys build a wall right there. Um, we need some sort of adhesive though to hold them together . . . we need 4 or 5 people to be appointed as designated gum chewers . . . .'"
Alice falls over.
"Can you nail bricks together? No? Ok, we'll have to find some scotch tape then . . . "


Alice is complaining about having to do computer programming at work.
"Just use dollar signs. They fix everything."


"Hyaaa!!!"
I karate chop her in the arm, holding back so as not to break the skin.
She eyes me with the look that non-verbally declares, "What the hell were you thinking?"
". . . Look, you gotta be ready. Ninjas are everywhere, and they won't be holding back."
She procedes to run across the ceiling throwing chinese stars and kills 15 people.


"swo-la"
This is what I intend to say to deny whatever she just said.
It means 'wrong'.
"tso-la"
This is what I actually say, unintentionally. It means 'kill him/her'.
"tswo-la"
This is what I sometimes say, which happens to be an imperative to remove one's clothes. This may or may not be intentional.
Obviously my command of Mandarin is superb.
My most frequently used word is "Gan!" I try to use this in every context where it is improper to use profanity. I do this because "gan" is profanity.

An argument over intonation . . .
Me: ma.
Her: no, ma.
Me: that's exactly what I just said.
Her: no you said 'ma'.
Me: exactly, because that's what you said.
Her: no I said 'ma'.
Me: I know, that's what I said too.
This proceeds for 30 minutes or more, and happens daily. Being American I only recognize angry, sad, and normal tones, which unfortunately don't correspond to Mandarin's up, down, flat and dipping tones. It's hopeless.



Her: How did you just do that?
Me: That's how we do it in Asia. It's a great place, you should come check it out sometime.


etc. etc.