Loneliness

"I used to want to be in love again as I assumed this was the opposite of loneliness. I think being in love is an opposite of loneliness, but not the opposite. There are other things I now crave when I'm lonely, like community, like friendship, like family. . . . Loneliness is something that happens to us, but I think it is something we can move ourselves out of. I think the person who is lonely should dig into a community . . . Jesus does not want us floating through space or sitting in front of our televisions. Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together." - Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

I'm an only child, so to me, doing things by myself feels normal. But, I hate it. The thing I crave the most, but struggle the most to accept is community. The biggest instance I can think of is my current living situation. A few months ago I was living in a two-room apartment with three other guys. It was community overload. By the end of it, I was frustrated with all of them, and hated going home. So, when I got my new apartment, I chose the other extreme. I live alone, and that was going well until I started school.

I just finished up my second week of nursing school. It's dang stressful. Stress makes me withdraw. That's how I handle it. So, one can imagine how that compounds my sense of loneliness. Basically, the nature of this program forces me to not have any social activity between Monday and Thursday night if I want to pass. I'm sure I could squeeze out an hour here or there, but all my friends live 20 minutes away, which means that for 40 minutes of driving I could get 20 minutes of "quality time". All in all, it's looking to me that loneliness is just gonna be a fact of life for me for the next year.

The bigger problem I've been wrestling with the past week or so is this: Even when I'm in community I still feel very much alone. I know I've commonly felt this way in the past. At least for introverts I think this may be a sad fact of existence; I can be surrounded by friends and feel like I'm still very much by myself. This happened to me the other night, and hit me really hard. I've been wrestling with what it is that makes me feel this way. It truly bothers me, because in the end it makes me feel worse for having been around people, which seems very contrary to what Christian fellowship is supposed to be.

I'm definitely still wrestling with this. I barely have an answer, but I do think I'm grasping a little of what the problem is. 1 John 1, as best as I understand it, says that it is when we walk in God's will that we have fellowship with one another. And, my relationship with God has definitely been anemic for the past couple of weeks. I guess part of the reason why comes back to the whole heart vs. head thing. I'm used to having all day to read theology, and that was my biggest connection to God. Now, I have no time for theology at all. My relationship with God, this week especially, is out the window. Not to mention, I'm the only firm believer in my entire class. If God is going to come into my classroom, it's gonna be through me, and I'm not a very good conductor right now. I feel like God is absent, which means I'm totally alone. I have faith that my feelings mean nothing: God is present whether I feel him or not. Still, there are times like the other night when I see my closest friends, and feel more empty afterwards. It hurts.

I should turn to God and seek his face, but I don't have time for theology anymore, and I'm still clueless in other venues. Community might be what I need, but I don't want to feel any worse today. I guess I'll just take a nap . . .