Prerequisite knowledge.

So, I'm sitting at my coffee shop in Plano, listening to Ashley on my myspace. Sometimes people write lyrics I never really get over.

Tonight is the first night in a while when nothing's been going on, so I came here. I used to come here almost every night because I didn't know any people in range to go hang out with. It was a sad time. I made due with books. Now, I feel like I've gone a couple months with barely any nights where there wasn't something going on. It's been a good time. Floods follow droughts which follow floods.

This was a stressful week. In cell biology they call it a cascade when one chemical triggers a reaction that results in thousands of other chemicals swirling around in a cell to make _______ happen. Tuesday I went to college algebra. I haven't had a true math class in nine years. I knew this when I was signing up for algebra. See, the problem is, most of the science classes understandably require algebra or some higher form of math as a prerequisite. On the whole, I get science. It comes pretty easy to me. Math on the other hand, while not incomprehensible to me, does not just come second nature. But, I needed it to take chemistry, which I need to take organic chemistry, which I need to take biochemistry, which I need to take fancy tests that might qualify me for med school.

This is the problem I hit lately. When you're dealing with left-brained subjects, they all require multiple undesirable classes be taken before they will grace you with their own abstruse difficulties. And everything I had included in my three year plan begins to stretch into four, then five. Suddenly I'm overwhelmed with the terrible thought that I'll be 30 before I can apply for med-schools, and 35 at best before I'll be earning minimum wage as a resident.

I'm not scared of school, nor of turning 30 . . . only of living on the strained good graces of relatives and hellish part-time jobs until I'm ready for my mid-life crisis.

All these things considered, every set-back at school turns into a ridiculous amount of stress for me. So, you can imagine how I felt walking into algebra Tuesday morning and not having a damn clue what the prof was talking about for an hour and a half. I have completely forgotten 90% of the mathematical concepts they begin teaching you in 8th grade. Now I probably get to tack basic math and intermediate algebra on to the front of the already lengthy list of classes that are all prerequisites of each other. Lovely.

I've talked to a few friends about it. They all look at me with the look that implies they would be sympathetic but that they ultimately have no clue what the hell to tell me to do. I think that might be comforting in its own way . . . at least they're there.

It's amazing to me how often I find myself in this place: feeling suspended by the question of whether I'd rather sacrifice aspirations or independence and all the facets of life that rest outside my head.

I've been thinking I might just say the hell with it and stick with nursing for the immediate future . . .

I don't know.
I hate not knowing. Stupid life decisions.

Next time you see me,
A. Buy me a beer.
B. Give me a hug.
C. Tell me what the f*** to do with my life.
D. Any of the above.
E. All of the above.

I love you all.




. . . and choose E.