my free will needs exercise

hmmmmm, basically to sum things up I'm confused right now. The deal is I'm 23. A quarter of my stay here on earth is passed. The crappiness of my situation is the fact that I'm still in a position of being a child . . . sort of. I'm financially dependent on my parents, and have come to truly hate being in this situation. I'm ready to make my own decisions, and call the shots on my life since, Lord willing, I've only got 3/4s of it left.

Of course there are always things we want to do, that we'll never have the chance to do. Right now though, I'm in a position where I can't really do any of the things that I would like to do. I would like to have vacation time where I determine where and how I will spend that time. Right now my vacations are limited to the DFW area because I am not financially capable of leaving (I'm a bird stuck in a house, flying into windows hoping one might be open). Right now my parents have the right to determine when I need to come home, because they are paying for everything right now (gratefulness is my only option, free will is bypassed). When I explain my life situation to people right now, they all look at me with that pejorative kinda pity that tells me I am a 12 year old stuck in a 23 year old's body.

I've been attempting to spit the silver spoon out of my mouth for a year now, and the world just won't let me.

I don't know why I ended up in this place. Maybe it's my fault. Maybe it's cosmic forces that determined my fate. Maybe it's God's will. Maybe it's God's way of telling me to take charge and pull myself out of it. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I'll emerge victorious from this subtle hell and be the man God wants me to be. Maybe I should be patient. Or, maybe it's a prison . . . and if so I'm tempted to burn it all down, on the outside 1% chance that I might be able to escape and find freedom.

Sometimes dreams are prisons. Sometimes dreams are all that keep me going. Both are true, so what am I supposed to do about that? I've come up with all kinds of dreams in my life. My friends and I have dreamed together. All of these have given me hope. All of these have held me back. Cage or life raft, cage or life raft . . . . ? What am I supposed to do with them? . . . . one day I'm singing 'don't worry be happy' imagining myself escaping from my own plans like a action hero in a muscle car driving away from a building he just imploded, other days I feel I should act responsibly (whatever that means) even though that seems to imply the next years will blessed with a spectacular coating of mediocrity.

I expressed this feeling to my friend last night. He understood my situation. I needed him to listen without an agenda. He did. That was really cool. He said he would understand if I chose freedom. He encouraged me to stick with my dreams. I don't know . . .

I think I lost my mind last week. Minds are expensive pets to keep. I'm low on money; I had to let it go. Maybe it'll find a new home and be happy there.

My life is on pause.