purpose

While I was in college I fell in love with missions. I think the reason why is that there was absolutely no question in my mind if God loved what I was doing. As I went through my studies I discovered that "Mission" is actually God's activity, and we simply join with him in what he would be doing anyway. Through the past years my view of what mission is, has been ever-expanding, and recently came to include even my life here in my home town. This is where my theology arrived at, but my heart has remained in adamant denial. I can respect that I should participate in Missio Dei even here, 20 miles from where I grew up, but it's just not the same.

Overseas it is easier to focus on what you are doing. Everywhere you turn you are reminded that this place is not home. You are reminded that you are in that place for a purpose. At home, you don't have to have a purpose. You were born. Every time the word "why" comes up you put it on layaway until you retire at 65 and have the leisure to consider such questions. For right now you find your role in the social machine or accept ostricization: either way you don't have a purpose. As a missionary you purposely choose to enter a second childhood. You start over from scratch. But, this time around the purpose is not simply to grow up for growing up's sake. Now you mature with the intent leaving a mark for the Kingdom of God. Everything in one's life is purposed. You learn languague to communicate God's Truth. You learn culture to incarnate God's Word. You counsel people to build God's community. These are your jobs. You wake up every day with these purposes in mind. It's a fantasy world in this regard.

Purpose is more ambiguous when you are participating in the common life. In spite of wanting something radically different, it feels like my life is fitting fairly well into the gerneral mold that is presented to Americans. I'm in the middle of nursing school right now. Honestly, I've felt very stagnant for the last few weeks. Life on the whole has been on the up-swing, so I'm not really in a state of desperation or anything, but I have ceased to truly wrestle with "purpose" in my life. That scares me. God has been good to me beyond what I can describe, and I know it. Still, I'm tired and defiant towards trying to understand the purposes in my life. Part of me is tired of getting negative answers. Part of me is tired of waiting indefinitely to really understand. The rest of me is just tired. period.

John Eldridge is telling me that it's probably spiritual warfare. Paritally I'm tired of "professional Christians" telling me what the problem is. Let Eldridge go to nursing school for a few months and then preach to me about what's going on. When life feels mundane the last thing I want to hear is "it's actually the mysterious cosmic battle be waged all around you, blah, blah, blah. . . . ." But still, mostly, I agree. I feel the cosmic war language leads me to a sense of total anticlimax, but I do agree that it is the subtle, strong force of untruth and doubt that work against me.

Here are some things I'm struggling with:
1. Finding purpose in going to class and loving what I'm studying
2. Seeing that God is proud of the things I do even when they're not totally directed at/focused on him: music, reading, learning, relationships, I commonly feel if I don't live in "devo-mode", God is displeased.
3. Wondering if God's blessings in my life really have the capacity to extend beyond me
4. Questioning if I have the slightest clue what God really hopes to acheive through me
5. Questioning if my desires are irredeemable. Do I have to give up my dreams to live for the Kingdom, or are my dreams how I live for the Kingdom?

Eldridge is telling me to be careful in agreeing with the answers I receive for these things in my head. He's probably got a point, and that annoys me. Still, to maintain a sense of purpose requires that I overcome these doubts and the 50 others that I'm not aware enough of to list. I know mission can occur even at home. Probably more at home than anywhere else. Still, right now God's mission seems a long way off. Maybe it happens in Thailand, but good luck finding it here. Or so it seems . . .

And, to end on a positive note, I must say, I am glad that faith does not come from me. If it did I would have none right now. Praise God for his grace.