sick of it all

Lately my mind has returned to a state of feeling that God is a complete mystery, which has led to a lot of frustration for me. I'm tired of praying to a mystery. I haven't really prayed in months. I've barely worshipped. I'm burnt out on church. I spend the majority of my time with people who don't give a crap about God. I spend 65% of my week learning about drugs and what goes wrong with people, with a class of divorced parents, single moms, strippers, cocktail waitresses, former drug dealers, and immigrants who are just scraping by. And where is God in this situation? . . . lately the only answer I've found is: He is somewhere being mysterious. For a while, I thought that was a beautiful answer. This week it's gotten old. I'm tired. Really tired. I don't have it near as bad as the majority of my classmates, and I'm still worn out. I can only imagine what they feel. What do I have to offer them??

Me - "You look sad, what's wrong?"
Them - "I'm in the middle of a divorce, I have no money, with three kids to take care of, I work a crappy job that keeps me afloat, but I'll probly lose that soon and have to live out of my car because I didn't get the clinical shift I need for next quarter."
Me - "Oh, that sucks . . . . . . . . . . . . . . try Jesus : )

or worse

Me - "Oh, well pray to God about it . . . . . even though I can barely pray lately and God seems like a distant uninvolved mystery to me about 85 % of the time now days . . . . . "

I'm supposed to be able to give them hope, but I feel like I've been truly introduced to the real world for the first time in my life, and I'm claw and scratching like everyone else just to stay alive and not get taken advantage of.

In the midst of all this, I hear lots of different friends and aquaintances say various things about faith and prayer and God and Jesus, and I've lately found myself looking at them thinking "what in the are you talking about?!?" Lately I have found myself in the same anti-religious funk that my classmates live in. I hear people speak of praying and reading the Bible, and with all honesty in my heart I think "Right, like that'll do me any good."

Basically I'm sick of everything right now. I'm sick of doing 40 hours of school in four days. I'm sick of listening to my annoying classmates whine and argue with each other. I'm sick of all of them on an individual basis. I'm sick of most of them on a group basis. I'm sick of going to clinical and pretending like I'm busy for 12 hours at a time. I'm sick of having no one living close by to hang out with. I'm sick of all my friends being paired off and having to be 'the single guy' among them. I'm sick of their ridiculous ideas of 'oh well then you should date this person . . .' I'm sick of sermons that don't tell me anything new. I'm sick of wishing I could find a better church, but never finding a better church. I'm sick of my world feeling so small.

And all of these in their own little way are things that I'll present to God and I feel like he does absolutely nothing about them. Ultimately worrying about God makes me more tired at the end of the day, which is about the last thing I need or can take right now.

And in spite of this I know God has been plenty good to me lately. But I'm tired of glossing over the crappy things in life. For everything I'm sick of there should be healing.

if you can't tell, it's been a long day, and i'm sorry if this brought you down, but this is where i've been living for a week or so.